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Archive for July, 2014

on writing when you have to

This is a bit of a private one, but:

I have been writing since age 7.

I have called myself a poet between ages 7 and 17.

Now I am 27, calling myself a poet again, one language later.

 

I’ve only been writing when I had to. Perversely, I was proud of it. I thought to myself, I only write when I have to, when I can’t hold onto the scream anymore. I write about breakups, I pull out the journal when I’m in pain or joy that cannot be ignored. I manage to not write anything else.

And then I thought, are you crazy?

Not only I get in trouble, emotions exploding, because everything in me overloading, overbalances and in certain circumstances I get a shitload of anger, tears, a breakdown that was completely preventable.

Not only I get ideas that scream to get out and I let them fade and die, like an insult to anybody who ever suffered any sort of creative block.

But also.

I wondered, how exactly can I be useful to people? This narcissistic exploration of own head liniment, lining, lines left behind by childhood, personal borders, orders of magnitude, interludes of thought, attitudes towards life – often dearly bought and paid, but not useful in the present day anymore….?

I can tell stories. I can tell the truth.

That’s all it takes.

Yes, it’s nothing new, but I am struck sometimes by the sheer stupidity and unwillingness to see that I discover in myself. I’m not even putting myself down – the blinds on my eyes exist for a reason. I’ve been a truthsayer since day one. I made a lot of people uncomfortable. And they made sure I was uncomfortable with myself. And  believed them – I did the believing. 

I’ll be leaving now – that mindset, that is. I might adjust this text yet, I might change it. But telling the truth, that one does not get old.

So many texts that wait for publication. The right moment. The permission I now give myself.

Are you crazy?

Yes, I am. 

Good.